Psychology / March 18, 2022

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”: Boundaries 101

How do you know if it’s time to create a boundary?

Do you often feel like people are taking advantage of you? Do you find yourself giving more in a relationship than you’re receiving in return? Have you given away your time, money, resources, and peace of mind, often regretting that you now feel empty, and have nothing left for yourself? If this describes you, have you ever considered making a change by taking charge of your part, the only part you can control in these relationships? Learning to instill boundaries into your day to day interactions will create more unity between yourself and others.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” – The Serenity Prayer

When “the wisdom to know the difference” finally came to me, the “ah ha” moment was life-changing. This prayer taught me 2 groundbreaking rules for life. First, you can’t change other people’s behavior. Second, and most importantly, you can absolutely change your own behavior. When I learned this lesson, and applied it to my life, I stopped trying to fix other people’s problems and started focusing on my own. I applied this concept to my relationships with work, romance, friendships, and family in the following ways:

Stopped agreeing to work 90 hours a week, “because if I don’t do it, who will?”
Stopped giving away my money to friends, “because if I don’t help them, who will?”
Ceased letting family live in my home and steal my peace, “because where else will they live?”
Quit doing all the housework independently “because if it’s going to be done right, I have to do it myself.”
Stopped sharing my time with people who were emotionally abusive and didn’t enrich my life “because I don’t want to hurt their feelings” or “I’m scared of being alone.”

Building a boundary is not necessarily building a wall. Rather, it’s a guideline for behaviors you allow in your relationships.

5 ways to practice boundaries

#1. Stop oversharing your personal information with people who don’t share openly in return.

I value authenticity…to a fault. One way I’ve been harmed by others on multiple occasions is because of my “I’m an open-book” personality, people have information about me that they will later use offhandedly to insult me to my face during a disagreement or to gossip about me to others. Usually, this information is used out of context or is not even relevant to the person I am today. Lesson learned: I am very careful with the information I share with others now. I only share my story with people I trust. Do not cast your pearls before swine.

#2. Say “No” to unfulfilling social commitments and work.

Life is short. Truly. Do not waste your limited time with people and businesses that don’t respect you or bring you peace and joy. As part of my people pleasing addiction, I developed a habit of saying yes to anything asked of me. Being a yes girl was how I believed I would maintain relationships and continue being loved. But learning to say no to people has freed up so much time that I now have more time for hobbies that I love, which creates a more fulfilling and peaceful life. I also have more time for my healthy cherished relationships to flourish.

#3. Demand and enforce respect and equality within your relationships.

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. If you’re inviting people into your life who don’t treat you with respect and kindness, it’s unreasonable to expect them to change until your boundaries change. Use your words to explain effectively and clearly what you will not tolerate in the relationship. Try for example, the following phrases:

“I know I’ve played a part in this cycle of abuse because I’ve allowed you speak to me this way for so long. But I’ve changed, and I no longer allow myself to engage in relationships with people who insult me, make fun of me, or demean my intelligence.”

“I know I’ve done the housework and the errands for all these years, but I’ve changed. I have other things I would like to do with my time and I feel we should contribute to housework equally.” You also have the choice to simply walk away. Maybe you don’t see this particular relationship as worth salvaging, and that’s okay too.

#4. Detach with love and kindness from the people with whom you’re enmeshed.

The visual that comes to mind when I think of enmeshment is conjoined twins. Enmeshment is when a relationship between 2 more people has no clear boundaries, including emotional boundaries. Meaning, when one person is angry or sad, your emotions become intertwined with theirs, and you feel responsible for their emotional responses. This can cause identity issues in which your sense of self is reliant on how this other person defines you as a person.

When I detached, with love, from the people with whom I was enmeshed, my mind felt lighter and freer. I finally had a life of my own, and an identity of my own. I do not currently have any human children of my own (shout out to Nala, my furry child), but I think not having children has given me an interesting perspective on parent-child relationships as an onlooker…(Insert sigh of annoyance and eye rolls here if you have children and believe I shouldn’t have an opinion on parenting).

In our society, it seems a very common phenomenon for parents to become enmeshed with their children and vice versa. Be mindful of your interactions with your children. They are becoming adults, or maybe they already are adults. Are you allowing them to be an individual, to be their own person, separate from their relationship with you?

#5. Stop oversharing your money and material possessions.

Especially in US society, giving away possessions and monetary gifts is considered an act of goodness, kindness, generosity, and selflessness, all of which are perceived as desirable character traits. And I don’t disagree. I value generosity and I do make efforts to share money and valuables. However, I am recently much more choosy about who I give to. I no longer give to those unhealthy relationships mentioned previously.

If I want to manifest deeds of generosity or kindness, I do so by giving to trusted organizations, or people who I know are not in a relationship with me, only for the benefits. These are the people who show up only when they need money or a favor. Also of importance, as “selfish” as it sounds, you should always be your number one priority. If you can’t pay your own bills, or haven’t created the savings for your own financial security for you and your family, or you never have any extra money to enjoy your own life, you are likely in a pattern of unhealthy giving in which you’re self depriving for the benefit of others.

Put that in your cup and sip it

Learning to build healthy boundaries isn’t about shutting people out. Rather, it’s about opening your space to people and environments that enrich your life. It’s about creating mutually loving and respectful relationships. It’s never too late to learn how to love and respect yourself.

For more tips on creating healthy boundaries, check out

https://markmanson.net/boundaries

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