Why was I ghosted?
I’m sorry you were ghosted, and that you lost someone close. I’m sorry you feel abandoned and rejected. But, you may be asking the wrong question.
Whether it’s a friend, a romantic partner, family, or a professional, the right question is: What type of person is likely to ghost someone without offering the courtesy of a final correspondence?
There are many possibilities:
- Ghosting can be a classic move to gaslight someone as a final attempt to feel superior, or control their behaviors using an unspoken threat of bailing. The ghostee (the one who is ghosted) is often left feeling at fault or to blame.
- Ghosting is a way for someone to avoid facing conflict. The conflict may not be with you, but actually within themselves. The ghoster (the one who is ghosting) may not want to admit fault for something they’ve done wrong. Especially if you’ve found the confidence to address a relationship issue, this is a common time for someone who hates conflict to disappear.
- You’ve been ghosted by someone with an avoidant attachment style. This person tends to leave out of habit, if they begin feeling “too close” to someone. Rather than being rooted in malice, it’s actually because they fear someone will abandon them, so they’re trying to beat you to the punch.
- Interestingly, the most common traits of those who believe ghosting is an acceptable practice, are the dark triad– machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy (Jonason et. al., 2021). Someone with narcissistic tendencies can’t face being wrong; so if challenged on a mistake, rather than owning it and apologizing, they cut you off. If the machiavelli has lost the ability to change or manipulate you in a way that benefits them, they will leave because you’re no longer serving whatever purpose they had in mind, for you to meet their needs. The psychopath lacks empathy, and isn’t concerned with how leaving will affect you. If the psychopath becomes bored with you, they have no hesitation in leaving.
Finding healing after being ghosted
- It’s not your fault. Often, the personality type that will ghost someone is aware you will be left feeling like it’s your fault. They take pride in this ability to control and manipulate others, and they get to leave, feeling as though they’re still in control of you.
- Stop the chase. Let them go. Relationships should be mutually loving and respectful. Don’t allow yourself to be in a one sided relationship.
- Above all, seek relationships with people in your tribe. The feelers, the empaths, the ones like you, who would never intentionally harm others, but strive for kindness.
Caveat:
Additionally, there are always exceptions to the rule. If you’ve ghosted someone to seek safety, or as a self care method to protect yourself from further harm, these principles don’t apply to you. Sometimes “ghosting” might be beneficial, such as the above example of being in an abusive relationship. However, victims have difficulty with ghosting others, and will likely struggle with guilt, even though they made the best decision for themselves. You will know if you fit this category rather than the aforementioned traits.
Jonason, P. K., Kaźmierczak, I., Campos, A. C., & Davis, M. D. (2021). Leaving without a word: Ghosting and the Dark Triad traits. Acta Psychologica, Advanced online publication. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2021.103425
