Codependency: 5 Steps To Healing
You might be a codependent if…
Growing up, my primary caregiver suffered from schizophrenia. As a child, I learned to care for my mother and younger siblings as a survival instinct. When I learned of codependency in therapy, I was able to take the first step in addiction recovery. I “admitted we were powerless over others [or, insert your addiction here], & that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Unmanageable
After attending therapy, I recognized that my life was unmanageable. I was working 90 hours per week with multiple jobs. I lived with six adults and one dog in a two bed/two bath, 700 sq ft apartment… As I was drowning in debt with no savings, I felt robotic, depressed, numb. Furthermore, I was regularly engaging in other people’s chaos. I felt no peace, had no life of my own, and no sense of self. Outside of my household, my friendships were toxic. I had developed the same patterns of helping and fixing their problems that I did with my family.
Is codependency really an addiction?
Codependency is a cycle of behaviors in which we learn to take care of others rather than ourselves. In a “normal” nurturing environment, a parent or caregiver cares for the child. Therefore, the child learns that they are innately valuable as a human being and deserve happiness and care. Codependency develops when the caregiver teaches the opposite lesson: The child should take care of the adult. Because the brain loves patterns, the child develops a habit of caring for those around her.
So, is codependency actually harmful? Just like any addiction, codependency can ruin your life and the lives of those around you. It truly is an addiction– an addiction to people pleasing. Codependency is evidenced by an obsession with helping others who are unwilling to help themselves. Additionally, codependents want to make other people feel good, despite the consequences to themselves. In the same way a drug addict gives away their money and damages their healthy relationships, codependents have similar habits.
Due to this yearning to make others happy and content, codependents do things for others they don’t enjoy. For example: giving away their money, services, and time.
Codependents often:
- Value the approval of others
- Have difficulty making decisions for their own life
- Have low self esteem
- Feel the need to save others and influence their decisions
- Are loyal to the point of staying in harmful relationships
- Set aside their own interests to do what others want
- Are highly aware of others’ emotional responses
- Seek out relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable
- Lack self identity
- Don’t know their own likes and dislikes
- Don’t feel opinionated
Learn more about these behaviors here:
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
How to heal from codependency
#1: Go to therapy to learn about codependency
I can’t stress this one enough. Your therapist is trained to educate you on new healthy behavior patterns. These new habits will replace your codependent habits that are preventing your best life.
#2: Learn to detach from others
This includes both detaching from other peoples’ problems, and doing so peacefully. “Not my circus, not my monkey” is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. Because we were born into a dysfunctional household, we often seek chaotic environments for familiar comfort. But we can learn to detach from chaos that we have no business partaking in. Detachment is an art form. The trick is not to detach with anger and hate, but rather, with love and peace. This is not an easy task, but becomes easier with practice. According to Buddhism’s second noble truth, all suffering stems from attachment. I’ve found that learning these ancient Buddhist concepts of letting go, have been essential to my own healing. In Al Anon, “Let go and let god” is an encouraged mindset for learning to detach with love and lightness.
#3: Challenge yourself to stop specific codependent habits
Stop giving away so much of yourself. My tendency to give is compulsorily. My therapist once challenged me to not buy gifts or do any acts of service for an unspecified amount of time. Almost instantly, I lost toxic relationships with people who had been in my life for years. I stopped attracting people in my life who only wanted to borrow money or request favors. Instead, I improved my existing healthy friendships with people who simply wanted to spend time together and have fun. Of course, I wasn’t perfect at this and still am not. I continue to be a work in progress. But, the life I have gained for myself has been a total surprise. I’m now living for myself rather than others. My life is full of adventure, fun, happiness and hope.
#4. Learn to set boundaries
#5. Try a 12 step program for codependents
Finally, CoDa or Al Anon are free community programs. In these support groups you will find lifelong friendships and people who share their heartfelt and inspiring stories of life alteration. They will provide invaluable insight based on their lived experiences, presented in a non-preachy way.
What’s on the other side of codependency?
What can you expect to happen as you begin recovery from your addiction? If you have codependent tendencies, changing your habits will open a portal to an entire world, both inside yourself, and all around you. When you decide to venture outside of your bubble of codependent cycles, you will be surprised to find:
- You have your own interests, talents, and hobbies
- Goals and desires begin to formulate
- You have likes and dislikes
- Your own style of dress and aesthetic is unique
- You have a personality and you have opinions
- Taking care of yourself is easier than you imagined, and you’re able to accomplish your own dreams and aspirations independently
- You have the power to manifest what you want out of life
What are you waiting for? Go love yourself.
I absolutely love this daily devotional for codependents by Malnie Beatty. It comes as a 1 time payment app for $6.
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/the-language-of-letting-go/id427039076
If you enjoyed this read, I hope you’ll find others like this one helpful @
