Managing Emotions: T.H.I.N.K
Anyone besides me have a habit of saying things you later regret?
Managing emotions is a skill I’m still learning. Yesterday morning I asked my husband to grab me a latte while he was out. (Ok, actually… that’s a lie. I literally woke him up from his sleep and asked him to go get me a latte. But I really didn’t want y’all to know how much of a diva I am at home…Now you know the truth).
So he gets back home with my latte, and I’m highly disappointed after immediately noticing it has regular milk instead of almond. So of course my immediate feeling is frustration and anger because now I’ve been awake for 2 hours without my favorite morning beverage, I’m a caffeine addict with withdrawal symptoms, and I can’t drink this beverage in front of me because I’m lactose intolerant. Did I hear someone say “first world problems?”
My response was to direct my anger at my husband: “How is it after all these years, you still don’t remember to order alternative milk? And if you did remember, why didn’t you check the label to make sure they used the correct milk?” Did I even bother to say thank you for waking up early just to go get me a latte? Nope. I can be a total arse sometimes. ::embarrassed emoji::
This is a mild example of the insults and inconsiderate comments we regretfully say to the ones we love and others on a daily basis. But, there is actually science to explain why we respond this way. And applying science to managing our emotions can improve our relationships with others and ourselves.
How PTSD disrupts managing emotions
Especially for those of us diagnosed with PTSD, when we feel attacked, the amygdala in our mid-brain kick into high gear as a survival mechanism. This is where our fight, flight, freeze & fawn response is located. With PTSD, this area becomes overly activated during emotional responses. We can become animal-like in our responses as our frontal lobes decrease in activity and our amygdala becomes hyperactive. Because the frontal lobe is the area in the brain for managing emotions and engaging in rational thought, when it shuts down, nothing we do during moments of reaction makes sense in hindsight, except when viewed through the lens of feeling unsafe and seeking to survive.
If you’re interested in learning more about how PTSD affects the brain, here’s a link with more information.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-exactly-does-ptsd-do-to-the-brain-2797210
There’s hope in living with PTSD
Someone with PTSD feels unsafe most of the time, even subconsciously. Even though an incorrect latte order is obviously no threat to my life, my PTSD doesn’t know that. When I have natural feelings of anger or frustration, my body interprets these moments as being under attack and creates a neurological response best for surviving true threats. These responses helped me survive for many years. But they no longer serve me, since I’m no longer a childhood victim. Now, I’m an adult with people in my life who love me enough to wake up early, just to go get me a latte. And I certainly don’t want to chase these people away with my protective reactions.
Learning to manage emotions
To avoid some of my common PTSD responses, one tactic I learned in therapy is the acronym THINK before you speak. My therapist taught me to ask myself some questions before I choose to say something out loud. Is what you’re about to say Thoughtful, Helpful, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind? I’ve heard a few variations from these, such as “Is it true?”, or “Is it inspiring?,” but I prefer the former interpretation. Of course, like anything new, this method takes practice. With daily intentional mindfulness, these questions allow me to manage emotions and give better responses during conflict.
T.H.I.N.K
Is it Thoughtful?
Have you given ample thought to what you’re about to say before you say it? Oftentimes, simply taking that moment of pause will give you an opportunity to conjure something else more meaningful to say, and maybe less offensive. Pausing also gives time for emotions to fizzle, which can give us a different perspective on the situation.
Is it Helpful?
Will the comment you’re about to say help the situation? Will it help you and/or the person you’re speaking to better understand the ideas you’re attempting to convey? Or will it only add to the problem?
Is it Intelligent?
Is your comment adding useful information, or are you possibly lowering the standards of the conversation, such as an insult? Choose to say something you can be proud of tomorrow.
Is it Necessary?
This is for you to decide, but is your comment necessary? I’ve discovered too late in life that most of what I choose to say is unnecessary. Sometimes the best approach is to say nothing at all.
Is it Kind?
Kindness is not overrated. The older I become, the more I realize that kindness may be the most underdeveloped skill in our society. If world peace were ever to be accomplished, could it be done if not every person were genuinely kind? Kindness adds the sugar to whatever bitter conversation needs to occur, and makes it more palatable to the person listening.
Conclusion
Isn’t it fascinating that despite the fact that communication is a vital part of our lives from the moment of birth, we are never actually taught how to communicate?! Yes, we have classes on how to read and write, but we’re never actually taught how to have a proper conversation and how to handle conflict. I’m thankful for my therapist teaching me to communicate more effectively and enhancing my relationships.
Although I remain a masterpiece in progress, I’ve found this moment of pause to be helpful in the precious moments I do remember to use it. When I’m emotionally triggered at work and at home, I’ve trained myself to pause before I speak. Replying intentionally, not with what my amygdala originally prompted me to say, but rather with something derived from my prefrontal cortex that fits the THINK criteria, creates much happier mindset within myself. And the recipients of my comments also benefit. I have fewer regrets in my interactions with others when I apply this method of thinking before I speak. Managing emotions is a necessary skill for thriving in life.
If you found this blog interesting, check out my page with topics such as spirituality, psychology and nursing. I love sharing the lessons I’ve learned in therapy and from my nursing career. Thanks for reading.
