Psychology / February 16, 2022

HOW THERAPY SAVED MY LIFE: 8 Lessons & Resources That Ended My Self-Inflicted Chaos & Drama

#1 Headspace App

You’ve probably heard of Headspace, or an app like it, such as Calm. Headspace is an app that teaches mindfulness and meditation practices. It radically affected my life in 2 ways. First, it literally cured my insomnia. And second, it taught me (and continues to teach me) how to be mindful, intentional, and conscious in the moments that matter most. I lived for years in a dissociative state; in other words, living in the false world of my mind, rather than reality. Headspace helped me get back in touch with my body and the world around me.

Al Anon is a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. All the 12 step programs are essentially the same (AA, NA, OA, CoDA, etc). I’ve noticed people have a misunderstanding of the spiritual nature of these programs, and are often turned off by frequent reference to “God.” The God they refer to is not religious in nature; rather, it’s simply an understanding that there is a power in the universe bigger than you alone…I’ve heard people choose to define this power as nature, science, and the group itself. Personally, this program helped me to define God in a much healthier way. In this group setting, there is no cross talk; therefore, no one is permitted to comment on your reflections. It’s an opportunity to speak your mind without judgment or disagreement, or you can listen and say nothing at all. The literature is growth oriented and very healing. It’s a beautiful community of hurting and healing people, just like you.

The Wise mind is a concept used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It reminds me of Yin and Yang- the idea of seeking balance within our minds and decisions. Often, people with a history of trauma think in black and white, and lean towards extremes…Wise Mind adds the color, variety, and balance back to life. The concept is represented as a Venn diagram, with Emotional Mind on one side, Rational Mind on the other side, and Wise Mind in the middle. So often, Emotional minded people will react to a feeling of anger/hurt/fear/pain in the moment, and quickly regret their verbal or physical responses. When we’ve blown up on someone we love or made irrational attempts to gain someone’s love or attention, our responses aren’t logical to us in hindsight. Those of us leaning towards the Rational mind, have a tendency to shut off emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves or avoid being hurt by others. Wise mind is learning to lean into the side you avoid in order to gain balance in your life and make healthier decisions.

I always thought life was just happening to me, and it was all out of my power and control. Then, when I learned that I have choices….infinite choices, it was quite empowering. Now, when I’m facing a problem or crisis, I don’t do what comes natural to me. I take a moment to assess my options. You always have choices. If you’ve developed deep seated responses and cycles in your life, it will take practice to unlearn your patterns and relearn new problem solving skills. When you realize you have choices, you gain a sense of peace, power, and control.

Learning that we only have the responsibility and the ability to control our own selves, and no power whatsoever to control other people and their choices, drastically changed my day to day life. I spent years trying to help others and spent little to no time helping myself. Codependency is essentially relationship addiction…an unhealthy drive to save other people rather than saving yourself. These patterns of behavior are typically rooted in an unhealthy childhood environment in which you were expected to care for others in lieu of meeting your own needs or having your needs met by responsible caregivers.

I know this one has become a bit of a craze lately. But it hasn’t lost it’s value. While I was in tears telling my therapist all the money and time and energy I was giving other people, and how my own life was falling apart, she asked why I felt the need to do all these things for others. I explained that God wanted me to show his love to humanity. Her response was, “Well…don’t you think God loves you too?” I had an epiphany in this moment. Of course, saying God loved me was a catch phrase in my religious environment, but I never actually felt it until that very instant. I suddenly realized and accepted that God loved me too, and I also mattered, as much as all the other people I was helping. Her next question was “What do you love about yourself?” I wasn’t able to think of a single thing at that moment. With practice, I learned self love. I could now write a manifesto of why I am amazing and have intrinsic value. I truly love myself now. And because of that, I can love others more intentionally, without causing harm to myself.

Family is a tender subject and a core value for most. I’ve personally learned to redefine family as the people I share love with, rather than the people I share blood with. Relatives are often the source of our most troublesome life experiences, and that certainly doesn’t mean we have to cut all ties. Often in a dysfunctional family, each person has learned to play a particular role within the group. If a person breaks character, and becomes more confident for example, or stops giving away their money, or stops keeping the family secrets, or begins sharing their true thoughts and feelings, the family system becomes disrupted and it creates chaos for everyone else who is comfortable within their own role. We aren’t due any sort of abuse simply because we share a bloodline with someone.

My therapist defined healthy relationships as “mutually loving and respectful.” Therefore, I’ve learned to ask myself the some questions…Do you feel loved and respected by your partner, friend or family member? Are you practicing love and respect towards the other? This has become a simple and effective way for me to gauge how a relationship is going, and if it’s where I should spend more or less of my time and energy.

Therapy is unique to each individual, but I hope these ideas will inspire you to try therapy out for yourself. If it’s still not the right time for you, then I recommend the book “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. After a lifetime of poor coping mechanisms and cycles of unhealthy behavior patterns, I made the decision to walk into therapy because of this book. Peace and wellness on your journey my friend.