Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A question more fun when asked in song…This is a 3 step guide on how I’ve learned to decide for myself.

For years, I was stuck in cycles of unhealthy relationship patterns with friends, partners, and family. The most common problem I had was developing attachments to people who had abusive tendencies. I gave away my money and time until there was nothing left for myself. Although I allowed others to verbally abuse and belittle me, I would nevertheless would dole out praises and unnecessary apologies. Despite feeling overwhelmed and desperate in these cycles, I would stay.

Although I’m still a work in progress, I am proud of my new and improved responses to others. I’ve learned to take notice of my immediate urges to repeat old behavior patterns. Now, instead of internalizing anger and sadness regarding my relation to others, I acknowledge my own responsibilities. I choose a more peaceful path.

If your relationships are causing you strife, the first step is to assess, “What’s my part?” “How am I contributing to my own frustrations?” 

Have you been allowing someone to speak down to you and demean you? Are you choosing to give away your money and time to people who give nothing in return? Have you allowed yourself to become emotionally enmeshed with others? Sometimes we develop a victim mindset, which leads to blaming others for how they treat us. Furthermore, this approach in thinking can leave a huge blind spot to our own contributions to relationship problems. We have a responsibility to protect ourselves by building healthy boundaries and taking ownership for how we allow others to treat us. Usually, we have more power than we recognize or admit to ourselves.

To explain further, this unhealthy mindset can develop when we’ve had childhood experiences of being a victim. Maybe we grew up in a home with addicts that taught us to care for them instead of caring for ourselves. For some of us, our parents or caregivers were physically or mentally ill. In order to survive, we had to take care of them and/or our younger siblings. Maybe we had a caregiver who because of strict religious ideals, demanded unwavering “humility” and “respect.” This can translated into a sense of self doubt and low self esteem.  Although we were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by someone, they would also give us love and affection. Therefore, we learned to associated those abusive patterns with love as the inevitable reward for enduring them. Sometimes, these early childhood experiences can lead to patterns of seeking out relationships with people who harm us. 

So, if you’re assessing whether or not a relationship is worth salvaging, here is a list of steps I learned in therapy. These concepts can be applied to romantic partners, friends and even family.

3 STEPS

Step #1

Firstly, make a list of things you value in a relationship. This list may look different for a romantic partner versus a friend or family member. For example, your needs or values may include the following:

Step #2

Furthermore, give a percentage of how often this person meets each need or value. And be honest with yourself. In other words, have you been expecting them to meet your need 100% of the time, yet they have consistently shown they will only meet that need about 50% of the time?

Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Step #3

Finally, determine if you can live with this reality before you. Let go of your expectations of change. Accept that this person is who they are at this moment. So far, you have chosen to love them and engage in a relationship with them, despite their human nature of imperfection. After all, maybe they consistently meet some of your needs, but fall short of others. But, can you live peacefully with this reality? Can you truly accept it, and let go of your unrealistic expectations of change?  By all means, maybe it is time to leave. However, maybe it’s time for you to change your expectations. 

You get to decide. Maybe your choice isn’t to leave the relationship, but to create boundaries you can be happy with. To illustrate: “You can live with me, but you can’t smoke inside my house.” “In order to share a life with you, I need us to share responsibilities equally.” “It’s not okay to insult my intelligence or demean me. I cannot consider someone a close friend if they repeatedly verbally abuse me.”

CONCLUSION

Follow through on maintaining your boundaries is important. Consider, would you allow someone to treat your child, your animal, or someone you love most,  the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated? If the answer is no, you must recognize that if you continue in relationships with those who do not respect your boundaries, it is no one’s choosing but your own. 

Taking our own power into consideration, we contribute to our own misery and abuse if we choose to stay in a relationship with someone who is harming us physically, emotionally, financially, etc.

Above all, you are in control now. And as we say in Al Anon, “Let it begin with me…”